Home Is Where the Heart Is

After the initial first days of culture shock,

moments of total disorient,
not knowing which way was up,

I started to adjust to home here in Canada.

I got a little job making handmade merino wool designer scarves

for boutiques to sell in Toronto.

It was fun!
see website, www.olivindesign.com

I rode my bike a lot around the city,

enjoyed the clean Canadian summer air,

read fine poetry from literary greats,

sent parcels in the post,
and also leisurely perused the aisles and bookshelves of

small, non-profit neighbourhood thrift stores (one of my favorite things).

Then,

Two weeks after being home,
during a midnight thunderstorm,
my dad had a tightness in his chest,
we went to the emergency,
he was hospitalized,
and scheduled for open-heart sugery 8 days later.

He had a mild heart attack, and upon investigation,

he had 3 major coronary (heart) arteries severely clogged,

and needed a triple bypass.

It was a shock to all of us, my dad having really no symptoms of anything prior.

Also, he was active, ate well,

and hadn’t had high blood pressure for a long time.

Anyway, my dad was in amazingly good spirits, and,
having no pre-existing conditions,
he was a perfect candidate for a good recovery too.

All of our family is here in Winnipeg,

except my oldest brother who lives in Holland.

When he heard the news,

him and his girlfriend were able to leave for 10 days and they flew in from Europe for the surgery and the first few days of recovery.

It was a highly emotional time, visiting dad everyday in the hospital,
waiting,
for “the day”.

It was a time of thankfulness and prayer,
thankful that he was home and we were able to drive him to the hospital,

(he had been by himself at the cabin all day the day of the heart attack,

120 km away finishing some carpentry work),
thankful that they were scheduling him in so quickly to get the surgery,

thankful that we all could be here in Winnipeg,
thankful that I was home (I wasn’t off in some foreign land) at this time,
thankful that he had a really good surgeon,
thankful that there wasn’t much permanent damage,

thankful for the Canadian healthcare system!

thank you Lord.

We also prayed a lot as a family,
giving over our fears and hesitations to a God who is worthy to be trusted.

I felt the presence of God even amidst uneasiness,

He moved us into a place of faith, belief, and blessing

for all things surrounding the surgery.

Finally “the day” came,
and dad recovered with flying colours!

...after the first few rough days of discomfort and extreme pain. (the nurses would ask him what level of pain he felt from 1 to 10,
ten being the worst pain he’s ever felt in his life:
he replied with, “16.”)

Brother Quinn's Birthday (4 days after dad's surgery) at the hospital with the whole fam!

And after 5 or 6 days, he was able to come home,
and it’s been a steady recovery from then on!

He goes on lots of walks, and has lots of rests.
I’ve become his “personal driver”, (which is an honour and a lot of fun!) as we run errands together, and go to the grocery store,
something we both find simple joys in.
(He can’t drive for 6 weeks because he needs to wait for his sternum (ribcage) to heal.... it got sawed open during the surgery)

So we’re taking a more relaxed pace over here at the Merkeley house,

enjoying the hot summer days,

and still going to our cute little cabin, making bonfires, and listening to the birds sing their perfect songs in the morning.

Lots of family dinners -- one of my favorite things....

I got a job working at a flower shop,

which I find extremely fun and creative,

and I am mostly doing flowers for weddings.

I’m learning lots, and, well,

what’s not to like about working with fresh flowers all day,

each one unique from the next?

I’ll be looking for a more substantial job in the fall to complement this fun one,

to help fund for more midwifery studies in the future.

Going through pictures of the trip of 17 months,
remembering moments,
stories,
seeing videos,

still brings me to tears.

Each woman, each circumstance, each injustice, each child...

may I never forget what I’ve seen and been apart of,

...and may these cherished experiences
spur me on to the destiny and call that God has for my life.

What awaits?

Great things!

May the road be interesting,

barefoot,

and may there always be time

to find a feather for your hair.

Thanks for following along with me,

all over this beautiful world.

It's been a joy.

Much love,

Fia.

Transplant.

"Settling in." July 5th.

It happens at the most obscure moments.

Yesterday I felt like I was going to burst into a thousand pieces.

All of a sudden,

swells of tears will come

and my chest gets tight and my eyes

will sting and I will cry.

What spurs it on is non-sensical,

but nonetheless there are times

where the reality of my new reality

will be so overwhelming and different and strange,

and then I’ll remember a memory of the hospital in Africa or India,

and the tears will just come.

This reminds me of a root canal that I got a few years

ago.

The dentist puts the freezing in your mouth and then does crazy amounts of work.

I’m sitting there,

calm, conscious,

and aware what’s going on,

but I can’t feel it.

I then leave the dentist’s office,

still frozen, thinking it’s not that bad,

because nothing hurts so far.

I am able to do things, get around,

feeling a little numb, but distracted by the day’s duties.

But

then,

when I get home,

later on,

when the sun has gone down and I am sitting there settled in on the couch in my home,

the freezing is starting to wear off.

I am aware of every pulse,

every localized pain,

every trauma of that tooth,

and there’s nothing I can do about it,

except open my eyes wide,

breathe deep,

and endure.

This feels like a root canal.

I had so much grace in transitioning into Canada.

I was moving around and traveling for 3 weeks

before I really came home,

and I felt like I wasn’t affected.

I was able to do Canadian things, drive, talk to people, but I was still traveling.

I was still living out of a backpack.

I thought that because I was in Canada the transition was done, and over.

But I had not been home.

I had not been reacquainted with the ones I love the most,

the extreme familiarity of the house,

the personalities,

the classic items in the fridge...

For the month of June,

I had not unpacked my bags;

I was moving around and had a task for the day:

drive to this place,

take this ferry,

find a spot to camp,

make a fire,

drive back to this place,

speak at this church,

drop by and say hi to these people,

get dressed up and converse with these people...

my days were busy and fun,

distracting and new,

and so far removed from the conditions that I was immersed in for months previous,

that it was hard to believe that I had even gone away and experienced that.

But I believe it was God,

giving the grace to move around,

giving me the strength and the focus to enjoy the time across Canada,

while not being keenly aware of every pain of the root canal surgery...

yet.

Packing up my bags,

Flying across the world,

waiting in unknown airports,

talking to unfamiliar people,

printing boarding passes,

sleeping in a chair while being literally uprooted and moved to a different place.

This was the root canal.

Thank goodness the dentist gives freezing for this part.

The major work was done,

and can never really be undone to be back the way it was.

But on your way out, the dentist gives you an extra shot of freezing so that you have some extended relief for the rest of the day.

This “extended relief” was the 3 weeks in Canada before I got home.

I was able to enjoy it so much,

see people I loved and cherished,

speak passionately about my time abroad,

and meet new people along the way to laugh with.

But now,

the freezing is wearing off.

Just as I remember sitting there on the couch,

starting to feel the pain,

the awareness of the

drastic change of my tooth in my mouth,

I am starting to feel it.

I washed all my clothes yesterday.

I am putting things on hangers,

I am using a dryer.

My room is still a mess of memories and papers and books and fabrics from other lands.

Just like a throbbing, recovering tooth,

I am on the verge of tears at any moment,

most of this for unexplainable reasons,

it just rises in and out like the tides.

I feel different,

I feel disconnected,

I feel distant to the things around me,

I feel transplanted

and my roots are tender

sore

sensitive

this ground is different

new soil

different sunlight

and I am a bigger tree than when I left before.

So I feel like there is nothing I can quite do

to speed the process,

but cry when the tides come,

endure through the moments

of overwhelming disorient,

breathe when I feel like I can’t breathe,

and stay deep in the Word of God,

for it really is an anchor to our soul.

Hebrews 6:19.

Edmonton

June 24-29th

My last stop was to see Taylar, one of the gals that I midwifed all over the world with.

It was amazing to experience each other out of the context we knew each other from.
(Turns out Taylar doesn't always
live out of a backpack,
wear punjabis,
and help make food over an open African fire....)

I got to meet her family,
see her surroundings,
and see so many of the pieces that fit together that made Taylar who she was.

We had a jam packed time,
birthdays,
potlucks,
dinners out,
wool shopping,
chilling at the cabin,
making jewelry,
I even ended up going with her to a wedding ceremony that was going on.
Gotta love those random showings at weddings...
... did it in India, might as well do it in Canada.

But it was beautiful,
and I got to congratulate the bride... after explaining who I was and why I was there!

I literally have no pictures from the time in Edmonton,
except this one above from us at the wedding,
and one of us bowling in authentic vintage 80's outfits.
Because we do that sometimes.

And yes, those are white frills and shoulderpads,
and yes those are golden pants Taylar's wearing,
and yes that is a black velvet gold encrusted dress-top.


Straight from her mother's basement closet.
I tell you true.



Anyhow, it was a great time,
it was a taste of "normal" to wake up and spend the day doing stuff together...
that's what it was like for the past year.
We were also able to debrief about how it was going "coming back to Canada".
Which was helpful, as we were coming from the same standpoint.
I am really thankful for that time,
it helped me adjust a little more to "society" and what that looks like in a Canadian city.


Thank you Taylar!
You're a gem.

P.S. I think the 80's makeup is a good look for you.
It brings out your eyes.

On Canadian Soil

June 6th to 24th

I arrived in Vancouver at 5 in the morning.

Aisha, my cousin and very close friend, drove to Vancouver (a 16 hour drive.... alone.... it was truly a labour of love!)

Oh man it was good to see her.

Dreary and time-zone ridden,

she crept up on me in the Arrivals Gate and I screamed so hard with shock/delight/caught-off-guard-ness that she nearly spilled her hot drink!

We gave each other a big hug.

Then we took the ferry to Victoria, the city that I spent the last 1 1/2 years pre-YWAM.

Stayed with some friends in their "community House", and it was really nice.

Most of them have done missions/travelling,

so it was nice to see them first because they had some sort of understanding of me re-entering Canada.

From there, Aisha and I headed North to a small little "hippie Island" and lived off the land for 11 days.

We both loved it very much,

she's pretty much a lot like me, so she was really really perfect to be with,

as far as living outdoors and eating whole grains and willing to make a fire each day and willing to sleep in the forest and on the beach.

We had a lot of fun meeting local people,

eating berries off the bushes,

and exploring the gorgeous, untouched coastlines of Canada's west coast.

It was a perfect transition,

because I was in "Canada", but not really in "society".... we lived outside for 11 days and slept on rocks and such.

It was a great time,

rising and going to bed with the sun,

and doing lots of exploring and sitting on rugged cliffs covered in wildflowers and watching the ocean glisten in the sun.

We collected lots of driftwood, and found beautiful shells for making necklaces.

I also got to tesify about God to a traveling hitchhiker, and a man we met on the shore.

We also had great sunny weather everyday. I got really tanned!!

Anyway, when we got back to Victoria then I got to speak at my church and share about my time.... it was really cool and brought closure as well.

Then,

Aisha and I DROVE the 16 hour drive together to a town in East Alberta,

through the mountains, past the hills, and then into the prairies....

it was much nicer and slower to see the landscape change than to hop on and off a plane.

Here's a glimpse our venture up in the Gulf Islands.....

Canada, it's good to see you again.